Trying to stay sober…

12Jan12

Addiction. God. I hate that word. I hate using it, and I hate relating myself to it. I hate having to somewhat identify by it. Addiction has to be the shittiest thing that has entered my life. If I could go back, and have never gotten involved with any form of drugs in my past, I know damn well I’d take the opportunity to change that.. Whenever I’m in a therapy group, or secession, counselors always tell you that you will ALWAYS be an addict, no matter how long you have been sober for. Personally, I don’t enjoy claiming that title. It irks me…and drives me a little nutty to think I’ll always have a form of this disease within myself. I just wish I could make it disappear, poof…Like it never existed in the first place.

I don’t ever tell anyone that I am an addict… Sure, my friends know I’ve screwed around with drugs, and every once in a while enjoy snorting prescription pills, but I never flat out tell anyone, “yeah, I used to do them everyday, just so I could cope…” But, I guess my reasoning behind hiding  all of this is, well, I don’t want to be one. An addict. (bleck) I don’t want to own up to my problem, and take it along with me throughout life. I guess my way of coping is ignoring it,  pretending it’s not there. I know it’s not the best approach…but I just can’t seem to deal with it.

I’m trying to be as strong as possible. I’ve been through a lot over the past 5 years or so in my life. And yes, I’ve grown, and experienced things, and have completely flip-flopped my whole perspective on life… But every once in a while, I just get a little craving, that creeps up behind me and bites me in the ass. Last time I used was about a week ago…and it wasn’t much for me to even consider it relapsing. But I did go through many “binge periods” last spring through the beginning of summer. My last serious one was in mid-June. I was dealing with a lot of very strong emotions. But I haven’t consistently used since then.

Staying strong wasn’t and isn’t the easiest thing to do. I’ve been battling myself, my brain, and my depression for as long as I can remember. When I hit puberty at age 11, something switched inside me, and a very dark person swept out from under me and took control. That person stole a lot of time from my life. She wasted a lot of talent, knowledge, and ate at my inner strength for years at end.  I am happy to say I’m in a much better place now in my life. It took me years to get here. But I am pretty content with where I am at. I just need to learn ways to fight off my inner demons. Because even though I’m off my medication, I’m no longer in therapy, and I’m pretty clean drug wise, I know very well, that she could come back and smack me in the face, for no apparent reason. Right now my goal, the most important one I will ever have in life, is to keep her out of me, to remove her from my brain completely, and just live my life the way I want to, which is happily.

God grant me the strength to keep clean.

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