Sexuality, gender identity, preferences, conformities, and other stuff…..

17Jan12

My first statement is, that I do not wish to offend any individual, trans, cisgender, queer, questioning, etc. If I word something incorrectly, and it comes off wrong, I sincerely apologize right now. I have no intentions of hurting anyone’s feelings or crossing any boundaries of any individuals personal views. I hate to keep referring to an individual as specifically “trans,” but I do it for all intents and purposes. Don’t assume that I don’t view that individual as the sex they genuinely are. 🙂  

I’m a pansexual, bigendered, genderqueer, raging HOMO. Shit, I fall into too many categories, and the easiest thing to identify myself with is, in fact, queer. I’m a biological female, who some days feels more feminine than masculine, and other days my masculine side shines. I present myself as female, I use female pronouns, but somehow tie my gender itself, into a mix of male and female. (what defines male, or female anyway?) I had a small period of my life when I questioned if I was transgender, but later realized I’m completely comfortable with my body and genitals, and thought there was no need for a change. Some days I wonder what it would be like if I were to have a penis, and when I think about women, I usually have a masculine mindset about it. How I would love to have one to satisfy a woman, but just for that moment. And that’s where strap-on’s are pretty ideal. (If you’re into that kind of stuff.) But when it really comes down to it, I don’t want one(I love having a vagina, except for the fact that I dreadfully have to deal with menstruation once a month), I don’t want my breasts removed(as small as they are, I enjoy them), and I don’t want to inject myself with hormones to have a more masculine physique,(I’m not down with having a hairy face.) so I’m all set. My masculinity very rarely comes out in physical appearance. I’ll explain more in depth below when it does. But, I very much enjoy dressing and presenting like a female. I love feminine clothes, as I don’t really enjoy myself wearing masculine things. I wear makeup, and do my hair all nice, enjoy jewelry, and all that jazz. But my masculinity really is a mental thing. Sometimes, I just feel like I think like a man. Some of my mannerisms are very masculine. I can be dominate, which some view as masculine. But this is where I struggle to explain myself to others. Outside, they see a living, breathing, woman. I feel I may be ostracized, if I were to tell everyone I feel bigender. So I keep a lot of myself on the down-low.

My sexuality is very fluid. Some days I have stronger preferences for one identity than another. I do prefer trans men, (FTM’s) over cisgender men. I’ve never had a stable relationship with a cisgender man. I’m highly attracted to transgender individuals. My last relationship, and most serious one, was indeed with a trans man. It was an eye-opening experience, and really shook my world. I thought I had my sexual identity down, and then it threw me a huge curve ball. It has nothing to do with the uh… “junk” area. A lot of my friends say I’m a lesbian, because I am attracted to transgender men. (Don’t even get me started on that topic, because it enrages me, and I’ll be going off on a whole other rant that isn’t really pertaining to this subject, it would discuss my disgust for ignorance and stupidity.) They say I don’t enjoy penis, or men, in general. Well, then you don’t understand what testosterone does to a trans man, and therefore cannot make that assumption, because their growth, does in many ways resemble a penis. (And I do not say any of this to offend anyone of the FTM community, I’ll have you know that I see a penis when I’m with a transgender man, even if he acknowledges it or not.) Anyway, how could I not enjoy a man? Just because an ftm has the title of “trans,” doesn’t make him more or less of one! The transgender individuals I have met, are more “man” than any cisgender guys I’ve ever encountered if you ask me. They have the utmost respect for women, and have an intelligence about them, that I find so attractive, on top of their extremely good looks, haha. Why I prefer trans men over cis, I’m not sure. I do know it has nothing to do with their bodies, but because they have so much insight, personal experience, intellectualism, respect etc. They have an understanding of women, and it’s a refreshing feeling. Okay, I’m sure there are some guys who don’t embody any of these qualities, just as there are cis men who have the qualities I’ve listed above. But overall, many trans men I’ve met, or encountered online resemble my idea above. I also see a very understanding side, because they need people to be understanding of them. I don’t like being referred to the term, “tranny chaser.” I think it’s rude, and unnecessary. What do I call a man who loves women? I feel like derogatory terms are frequently used against the lgbtq community, because it’s “out of the norm,” for heterosexuals. (But does anyone truly embody the textbook definition of “normal” anyway? What is “normal” anyway? I doubt it even exists. Not in my world.) But than again, people within my community, call me a “tranny chaser,” so I guess I’m contradicting myself a bit. Oh well.

Women…. ah. I love women. From butch lesbians, to lipstick. With more masculine women, I take a more submissive role. But with more effeminate women, I take the more dominate role. I realize that I’m a very versatile person in general. But I’m not top, nor bottom. I’m pretty equal, whether it comes to sexual encounters, or just factors in a relationship. (Not just in relationships with females.) But that’s the beauty of being queer I guess. I’ve been in one serious relationship with a woman, well at the time girl, I was 13 years old. It was an off and on relationship for about… 3 years or so. What a roller coaster, haha. I’m going to be blunt about this, but shit, ladies, we’re fucking bitches. I’m allowing myself to say this, because well, I am too. Not as much as the ones I’ve encountered, though. I find it very hard nowadays to be in a relationship with one. I’m already a very emotional person to begin with, and in order for me to pursue a relationship with another female, they’d have to be someone low key, and have a grip on their emotional side. Two very hormonal people in one relationship, isn’t my cup of tea. I’m not high maintenance to begin with, so maybe that’s why I like having a more masculine female partner. I’ve never yet experienced a relationship, or friendship for that matter, with a trans woman. Transgender isn’t totally taboo where I’m from, I just feel like it’s hidden pretty well. Maybe I’m wrong, I don’t get out that much. (not in a sexual way, haha.) I’d be more than open to it though. Trans women I’ve seen on youtube inspire me. And although I’m more experienced with the FTM community, I’d like to gain knowledge in the MTF community as well. 🙂

Queer and beyond…. Like I said, there aren’t a lot of queer beings on Long Island, or around my area specifically. I can’t wait to move out to California and meet some rad people. I just want to experience all of the aspects of the lgbtq(and so on) community. We’re all people. And I’m open to dating, befriending, whatever, whomever. That’s the beauty of diversity. There are so many different kinds of people in this world. And I’m on a mission to meet them all!

Genderbending, genderfucking…and so on. So, upon being profoundly queer, as I’ve stated above, sometimes I conform, and sometimes I don’t. I don’t believe a woman, or female identified being, has an obligation to keep themselves perfectly shaved. It’s all about personal preference. I used to be obsessed, and when I say that, I mean it, OBSESSED with maintaining my body hair. I was grossed out by it so much, that I’d shave my whole body (shoulders – down) at least twice a week. Now, I’ve grown more comfortable with myself, (and with the fact that I’m not dating anyone, although in my last relationship, my partner couldn’t give two shits that I didn’t shave my body..) that I don’t believe I have to comply to “normal” gender roles. (there’s that word again.) I shave for personal hygiene reasons. Meaning, I keep under the belt clean, but don’t believe I have to maintain my legs(arms, stomach, etc.) so consistently. I’ll sometimes go a couple of weeks with my legs untouched, till my friends or family complain that I’m starting to look like a boy. But why do I feel the need to again conform to peoples views of how a woman should act, dress, etc.? The minute I enter a relationship, I start shaving my body consistently again. Why? I guess I’m afraid. Sure, we all have this idea that your partner should respect you, and accept you for who you are. But in actuality, you always want to clean up nice, or maybe own up to their expectations. What if your partner believes women should keep up with shaving? What do I do then? Dump someone because they don’t agree with my views and accept my gender fluidity, or conform? That’s the biggest question I have. When I date women, they’re more understanding of this, and some feel the same way. We get lazy, and don’t want to shave once a week, so we are fine with a little hair now and then. But, I fear that if I’m to enter a relation with a man, or masculine identity, they expect me to keep up with this task. I fear they are grossed out, because well, they’re dating a “girl,” because they like women. But what if I’m not the poster picture of a “girl.” What if I don’t fully identify as a “girl?” I’m not trying to restrict this to cisgender individuals, because I’m sure there are trans folk who don’t want a girlfriend who has hairy legs…. Anyway, I just want to be appreciated and accepted for who I am. Maybe that’s why I stay away from cisgender men. Because I feel like my bigender/queer-ness might scare them off. I’m not saying I walk around in shorts with gorilla legs, I’m just saying, I don’t want to, nor think I have to, shave my damn legs everyday. Now that it’s winter, the most I’ve gone without shaving them was about a month. Yes, I looked pretty masculine, blame my Italian heritage, but also, I like having hairy legs sometimes! Shit!

So, in conclusion, I struggle to fit into this whole binary system we have going on. I think it’s total horseshit. But I also struggle in my romantic life, with anyone. I just want someone who will accept all aspects of my personality, gender identity, and sexuality. I feel like in a lot of instances, I keep this whole other side of myself hidden in relationships. And I don’t want to do that anymore, because I’m not being true to myself. I wish all people could be as accepting as I am. (Not trying to boast)

Future perfect partner, if you’re out there, come forward, I’d be very happy to meet you!

Would any of you have guessed I feel like all of this ^^ inside? If I didn’t know myself, I would assume I was a heterosexual, cisgender female. And so they say, “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover.” I also don’t understand the tension between people of the LGBTQ community, and battling over “who’s gayer, or more queer, more trans, more man/woman, who passes better…etc” Who are any of us to judge? And please, someone give me a picture of an epitome of each. I’d like to see what you all come up with. Because sometimes, I feel like I’m not “queer” enough. Bullshit. I’m going to embrace my diversity, all 18 years , 127 lbs, and 5’3  1/2 inches of it!!!!

Advertisements


One Response to “Sexuality, gender identity, preferences, conformities, and other stuff…..”

  1. Greetings,

    You typed a mouthful! I understand your frustration, this is why I’ve thrown out every other label in the universe and I simply tell people that I AM ME (which no one else can be 😉 ) If they push, I just break it down in the simplest of lamen terms: I am a gender queer Same Gender Loving woman (which still allows me to embrace my femininity without denouncing my masculinity and also honors the fact that I am a woman who loves women but doesn’t disinclude my love and acceptance of men tho I tend not to date or have sexual relationships with more often than not. Personally, I feel that one can only define themselves and that unless you’re dating someone it really shouldn’t concern them how you identify yourself as long as they are respectable of what they are being presented with 🙂

    Just my 2cents!
    ~Eb


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: