Too Personal?

26Feb12

I’m worried about writing this… I’ve tried to keep, (and failed, but re-established) my anonymity on this blog. And I know this is my personal little writing hole. But is there such a thing as writing something too personal on a blog? I’m not sure. I’ve got my picture up, and I’m not worried much about that, as I only have a handful of followers. I know no one I personally know is reading this, and I’m not ashamed about what I’m prepared to write… BLAH! I’m not sure why I’m freaking out. I just see what some people write on here and other blog sites, and people get pretty graphic. Whatever, I need to get this out somewhere. Because I cannot keep up with all of my thoughts running their own personal marathons in my head. It’s driving me nuts. Okay. Here we go…..

I posted on this subject just a tad on my past two posts’ I think? Didn’t give too much detail, just had to get a basic thought down without writing too in depth. So here’s the deal..

When I was seven, my sister and I were sexually abused by a neighborhood boy. Long story short, my mother didn’t want to put us through a trial, so he got sentenced to 6 months in therapy, and we packed up and moved. Blocked it from my memory as much as possible till I hit puberty at age 11, and went through a whole bunch of crap. Even though I was in and out of therapy as a child, it didn’t really sink in till stated above. I’m not going to write all of the details to this story, because well, I’ve worked through it, and it is what it is.

With that being said, it happened, again. I’ve never been good with admitting the obvious I guess? Like in one of my first posts’, I talked about drugs, and how I don’t like to refer myself as an addict, even though I am. I think it’s a disassociation thing…it’s a personal choice, and how I deal with issues, without really dealing with them.(?) So when I mean it happened again, I mean I was sexually abused. Again, not going to go into the whole scenario, I don’t like painting pictures of this crap for my readers, nor for myself. It was an ex of mine, who was heavily intoxicated and under the influence of drugs. And I don’t know how I’m really taking it. Obviously better. Not that better is a good choice of word, but better than when I was younger. Seeing as I have already struggled through it, and gotten to where I am now, I know I can use the lessons I have learned to get me through it again. But, I’m apprehensive. It took me so long to get out of the dark place I was in, and I don’t want to ever go back. Which is why I was thinking of going to vibs (a sexual trauma center around town) for free counseling.

I’m kind of in denial, but kind of beginning to accept what happened. I know that it wasn’t my fault. But am having the stupid feelings that I could have changed what happened, or prevented it. And I already know I shouldn’t be feeling that way. Years of therapy taught me that… but how can I not? It’s human nature. I don’t like playing the victim card. I don’t want to be a victim. I’m stronger than that.

I do notice myself being very…snappy though. I’m having changes in my attitude. I’m angry again. Angry to the point where I want to throw things, and hit people. I’ve had a bad temper in the past, and it’s coming back again. I’m overly stressed out. This just tops the cake of other personal issues I’ve got going on. I’m upset, and feel sad, but angry over all. I’m way too tense, anxious, moody. And I really don’t enjoy being this way, because I tend to take it out on other people in my household. So I’m just trying to channel my energy into other activities, so I keep my mind busy, and don’t punch someone in the face.

Because this all happened recently, very recently, I’m pissed off because I feel like the people close to me seem to have chosen to forgot it happened. Which is stupid, because that’s exactly what I’m trying to do.. But I don’t understand, why my mother, could never, and still can never, address the fact that this has, and did again, happen(ed) to me. I’m not sure if she can’t handle it, or just doesn’t want to, so she chooses not to. But it infuriates me. How come I have to be strong, and handle this on my own? But she can’t, so she avoids it all together. hmpf. I don’t know, I’m contradicting myself.

I can’t get much more out right now, my brain is shutting down. (4:44 AM) I just have to take it day by day I guess. Like I always have, and always do. All I really want to know, (which I understand I will never have the answer) is why bad things happen to good people?That one word. Why?

I will high five myself  for not touching any foreign substance to “deal” with this and everything else, though.

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