Gender-fucking, queer-ness, coming to terms with myself, etc, etc.

28Apr12

I often ask myself the question “why do I repeal straight men?” And then often laugh, and ask myself “why do I attempt to have relationships with straight men?” The answer is always the same. I’m too fucking queer for this.

I was seeing, well, no. I was associating with a male (biological, straight, you know) and well, that ended as quickly as it started. I sit here and pause, trying to process all of the information my brains wants to put into this blog. Sometimes it’s too much to even put into logical wording. Hmm…

So anyway, when I met this fellow, I kept my identity and sexuality on the down-low. I wasn’t about the whole, “Hi, I’m Liz, I’m pansexual, and probably genderqueer etc.” spiel. That’s a red flag to many straight men as it is. So when it got time to me being somewhat uncomfortable about hiding who I was, I dropped half of the bomb. He seemed cool and collected, while trying to process and understand at the same time. I’m pretty sure he didn’t get it, like, at all. Trying to explain queer-ness to non-queer folk is quite difficult.

“So uh….what’s pansexual?” “I’ve never heard of that before.”

“Basically I date whomever I please. Gender blind. I am interested in people, for people. Not what’s between their legs, or ears.”

“……..uhh what??”

“I like people. Bisexual is a very limiting term, as it’s making the distinction that there are only two sexes. This is not true. Gender is a very fluid thing. So, I like boys, girls, trans* people, and everyone in between, or out of the box.”

Kind of hard to grasp when you’ve probably never heard half of the definitions I was using. I didn’t even get to my gender identity with this guy. Whenever I was with him, he was constantly joking with me, saying I was a lesbian. He’d poke, and prod, asking why I was with him, or interested in him. He’d go on and on about how I like girls better, when in actuality didn’t even really try to understand the concept of pansexuality. So, in the midst of “joking” about me being gay, I realized something. This is why I don’t date straight men. Okay, that sounds completely biased. But I cannot help it. My personal experience with straight guy hasn’t been the most pleasant. Maybe because they’re jerks. Or maybe because they’re simply uneducated and ignorant to the LGBTQ community. And that is not their fault whatsoever. So I cannot hold that against them. But what I realized is, I’m just more comfortable with queer people, because they just, get it. I don’t have to explain to them what it means to be gender fluid. I don’t have to explain why I enjoy having hairy legs for a few months at a time. There’s also the factor that I can’t confide in them, when I’m having identity issues. Tonight, I tried binding for the first time. I’ve pushed my breasts away from the center of my chest, to try and see what it would look like if I had a more masculine contour, and guess what. I liked it. But I also love my breasts. I cannot confide in a straight man, about possibly wanting to try binding outside of my house.

Another thing I realized: When I move to California, it’s a fresh start. Not one single person, other than my family there, who happen to be queer as fuck, will know me. I can be whomever I please, without explanation as to why I’m doing such and such. Or confusion. People already think they know me here. But I’ve come to terms with my sexuality, and it’s staying that way. Back to my point, I’m so interested in fucking with gender it’s unbelievable.  I’m possibly thinking about using gender neutral pronouns when I leave. I don’t know much about them, but I know there’s so many, and I have time to do research if I want to go that far into this. I know I won’t have to worry, about someone questioning why, if I want to, dress more masculine on days than others. The possibilities feel endless. 🙂

Back to the straight men, dating scenario. It’s a tad irritating. I’m interested in pursuing a relationship with anyone, if and when the time is right. And I’d hate, for another situation to come up like this past one. The guy I was hanging out with had potential. But he pushed me away with the misunderstandings and foolish behavior. Meh. Also, it puts a stigma on myself, making it seem I refuse men, and then don’t live up to my personal standard of acceptance of all genders. It’s another reason why people don’t believe I’m into guys whatsoever. Very frustrating.

I am happy to say, that I now know I’m not trans*. I understand people hate labels, but sometimes, having a label makes it easier to understand your own brain. For a while I questioned my gender identity. And having the reassurance that other people like me exist, it’s just phenomenal.!

Okay. Time to vlog for my youtubers. Maybe I’ll have more thoughts on this at a later date.

Toodles!

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