Update!

27Jul12

I honestly do not even know where to begin. I’ve tried to keep up with my blog, but have just been so unbelievably busy with getting ready to leave, seeing friends, and simply being lazy.

Last I posted, other than my two somewhat depressing attempts to write poems, was June. I wrote about how I was going up to Maine to say goodbye to my friends and my ex-boyfriend.. But I’ll start a bit before that, to when I finished school.

Graduated on June 23, and it didn’t really phase me. My ceremony was kind of shit. It was extremely hot outside, and I had to sit in my cap and gown for over two hours. Was all the way in the back, sitting in a class of over 600 students, and my last name starting with the letter “P” didn’t help. I couldn’t hear many of the speakers, they spoke to the audience rather than the graduating class (?) I have no idea why. And honestly, have never heard of, or even knew my valedictorian even existed.. Ha! But I was glad to be done. I had struggled my four years of high school, and to be able to say I made it through, and didn’t do too shabby, was nice.

Left the Monday after graduating for Maine. For the most part, I had a lovely time. With the minor arguments with my friend Courtney, whom has changed a whole lot, and then some. But it was a good experience I guess you can call it. I thought I was going to be overly emotional when seeing J, but it went very well. I wound up spending most of the week with him, because of uncomfortable differences between me and Courtney. Had honestly not even intended that to happen. But, I’d spend the days with her, while J went to work, and the nights with him. I got to meet his sister finally, she lives in Hawaii but was back for the month to visit, and she was honestly just the loveliest woman. We got along very well. J took me to see some mutual friends, and we had a nice time. The first evening we went out, we went to Rich’s house. I’ve changed so much in the last year and a half, as J has too. We sort of didn’t know how to take everything in I guess you can say. I’m just social now, as to when we were dating, I had severe anxiety and couldn’t handle social situations whatsoever. When we left, he kind of just stared at me in the car. And I had asked him what was up? And asked him if he wasn’t used to me being social and friendly, haha. He said no, he wasn’t, but thought it was really fucking awesome. Which made me happy in a sense, to think how far I have come. Went to visit Mallory in Mass, which was very nice of him to bring me all the way there. And over-all just had a fun time together. Reminisced on a few memories, had a bunch of laughs, and really, really good sex, hahaha. I was worried at one point, because he was unintentionally messing with my emotions a bit. But realized I was over-thinking the whole situation, and brushed it off. And honestly, J has changed so much, and it made me realize that I really don’t know him well anymore. At all. But, it helped me. I can say, I finally am, 100% over my ex. And this just helped me close that chapter of my life, and helped me move on. Yes, I will forever find him attractive, physically. But his personality now, is nothing like the J I fell in love with just two years ago. Scary to think, how much time that is, but how little it is in the same breath. I’ve personally grown so much, and just know that I wouldn’t ever go back to him now. I got home, and took a breath when I finally got that statement out in the open. “I’m over him.” It was like I had just climbed over Mt. Everest. Because I had been struggling for over a year, wondering “what if…?” Wondering if we would ever work things out. Hoping, dreaming, wishing, that we would get back together. And when I got home, just….nothing. Nothing was there anymore. Even when we were intimate, I shouldn’t even use that word, but when we had sex, no emotions were invested at all. We didn’t act like a couple after the fact. No kissing, hand holding, nothing. Which helped a whole lot more. I’m just so ready, to move on with my life. To meet new people, and just, live.

Now, it’s July. I have three days left in New York. And honestly, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t excited. I have been spending most of my time with my close friends, and family. I’ve learned to appreciate the true friends I have, and know that they will stick around. Have also met a few new faces, who have impacted me in small, but good ways. What it all comes down to is, I know I am making the right decision to leave. I’m just so very ready. Ready to embrace a big change in my surroundings, and go forward, and keep moving forward. I have narrowed down what I want to pursue as a career, and I am so overly excited for what the future has in store for me. All I am surrounded by is positivity, and good energy, and I’m going to take that and run with it. Sure, I will dearly miss my family. I will hate leaving my friends, but. I am in such a good place in my life, where I know I am strong enough to do this, and do it for me. All of my life, I have been making decisions based on other people. I wrapped my life around someone for over a year, making plans around that person. And now, it just feels liberating to finally be doing this for myself. I thought to myself today…”What would my life be like if I stayed.?” The answer: the same as it is now. Not that my life is bad now, at all. But it would just remain…constant. Do I settle? Do I fear change, and stay in my comfort zone? Or do I take a risk and try something new? I know the answer to that too: try. Change. Live. It would be very easy to stay home, go to school here, and keep the friends I already have, and have had for years. To be taken care of by my mother. To have everything handed to me. But, I don’t want that. I want to mature more. To learn what it’s like to do things on my own for once. To enable myself to learn, that I have choices in life, and I’ll have to make them all on my own someday. And that time is now. Time to grow up, and fly from the nest. Because taking the easy way out of life, and not taking risks, is what I have always known. I’ve always feared changing. Now I’m ready, to face the world head on. And to do so with a big smile on my face. I have such high hopes for these next few years, and I’m totally digging the shit out of it.

I’ll end off on this note. I will try to post more often after I arrive to destination beautiful: Sunny California. Life is so good. Such a simply beautiful thing.

Advertisements


No Responses Yet to “Update!”

  1. Leave a Comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: