It’s a terrible love and I’m walking.

14Sep12

The constant desire to fill this void in my heart. Loneliness seems to linger, peeking from all corners of my soul. But the fear overbears the want, the need to start again. More than a year of picking up the pieces; the pieces of wholesomeness you stole without any form of remorse. My hands have bled long enough. You don’t deserve the satisfaction of knowing the amount of love I had for you, while sitting back with your legs up as you watched; as you listened to my cries, my pleads for some sort of emotional relief. The unrelenting fear that no one will compare. That no one will touch, kiss, think, feel, love; no one will love the way you loved me, or the way I loved you back. The fear that I will one day, someday, again become too dependent on another. And when that person decides to leave me, I will be shattered, and left with emptiness. I no longer cry. I don’t hurt. I don’t long for you to be in my life. You are barely a mere memory, slowly fading into the abyss of my subconscious mind. I no longer value you, nor hold you up on the pedestal you’ve attempted to claim, believing your everlasting presence will prevail. You won’t dominate my thoughts, you won’t penetrate my dreams. I’ve finally let you go off into the world, stomping around so boisterously into the hearts of others you shall claim.

A new leaf has turned its brightest red, as I am deeply filled with love and passion that is dying to emerge. The readiness of my heart to open itself up to another is unbelievable. The inevitable yearn to pick at another’s brain; to submerge myself into their thoughts, their hopes and dreams, their values and personal goals and beliefs. It’s almost a euphoric feeling, like learning how to play your favorite song on the guitar, or exploring a new city. Discovering someones mind is such an invigorating experience, one that I am more than ready to do once again. The human mind; it’s such a beautiful and fascinating organ, able to comprehend information, store it, think freely and constructively, allowing oneself to feel; to sympathize and empathize, to express emotion, and frustration, all in one sitting. The capability of feeling love, and loving someone in return; it is truly an amazing concept. I’ve become so incredibly balanced in life, for the most part. Everyone has their ups and downs. But the fact that I can truly say, and believe, that I feel I have grown so much in the past two years makes me feel…alive. I don’t feel cocky saying that I am a beautiful person; I feel confident. The fact that I can say I am living, not just simply existing; it’s pure bliss. And on I go with my wonderful journey through life. Striving to overcome and obstacle I may face today, or in the future days, months, or years to come, because I know they will. I have climbed over a many of mountains in my past 18, almost 19 years of life. And although I have faced numerous hardships, periods of depression and feelings of worthlessness ; feelings of anger, despair, guilt, unbelievable loss and sadness. I can now say I am happy to be a part of this world. Although I’ve experienced some very dark things, and have almost drowned in very dark places in my life, I can acclaim that all of these experiences have truly shaped me into the person I am today. Without any of the lessons I have learned, I would not nearly be as strong, as loving and accepting, and open-minded. Nor as content as I am now in my life. This transition from New York to California may not be what I had planned, or what I want to remain permanent. But, I’ll take the experience for what it is, learn from it, grow, and see where it takes me along my way. Whatever happens in the end, I know I can say that I tried it, and did my absolute best to make the most of the situation. And for that, I can not regret anything.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

 

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