Everybody’s got a dark side?

18Sep12

After having struggled for years with a depression that was so mentally/emotionally and physically debilitating, I’ve managed to find some sort of balance in my daily life. Or have I? I swore to myself that once I got to the point of maintaining an emotional equilibrium, I would do everything in my power to never fall back down the many flights of stairs I’ve climbed throughout my life.

I am constantly haunted by the memories of my past, almost disgusted by them in a sense. My alter-ego scares me the most. I’ve battled her, myself, in the mirror day after day. She likes to stir things up; she plants horrible thoughts into my head, feelings of worthlessness, anger, hatred. Hatred for the fact that she used to have her hands wrapped so tightly around my throat, my mind; consuming any ounce of positive energy I attempted to fight her off with.

Though I do my best to walk through life with no regrets, it’s a very hard goal to attain. Without the mental reminders bothering me, I am left with the physical signs of some form of weakness. (Or at least in my eyes) I’ve talked about how bothersome my scars are to me, my character, and my confidence. I had almost gotten over the fact that I have to live with them up until a recent incident; a stranger that had spoken to me at the bus stop one day after class literally grabbed my arm mid-conversation and asked me what they were from. You fucking know what they are from, you know why they are there; it’s an obvious answer to your blatantly ignorant asshole question, so why the hell do you even have the balls to ask such a personal one when you have just met me? That only reassured my anxiety of wondering if people always notice them, or if they are staring at them. That put me down a bit. I strive so incredibly hard to walk with my head held high, but maybe it’s the little things that really irk me, rather than the big picture. I know what I’ve been through, I know how I’ve dealt with certain situations, and I know I haven’t dealt with much in the most productive or positive ways so to speak. But I can’t seem to escape my past, no matter how hard I truly try.

But, maybe I’m not supposed to forget. I know there is reasoning behind every little action, every word spoken, every struggle and failure. But I will always wonder why? I’m a very perceptive person, and I have a compulsion to know how things work, why they work, and to understand the process. I always have a need to know what is going on, even if I can only achieve this by observing; which I do more than anything.

A constant theme that has been relayed to me from many different people I speak to is having self-control. I’d think that being such a control freak over myself as it is, I would have this ability down pat. But, I have yet to master this skill. Maybe it is a matter of time, just as everyone is saying. But I need to figure out a way to train my mind, to force myself to understand that I will be okay. That my paranoia will eventually subside. I guess after all of the hurt I have endured this is my subconscious putting that guard extremely high, so I almost disassociate myself from any situation that could cause some form of pain. But that’s another challenge in itself. The face that I won’t allow myself to fully open up to anyone who comes my way. And I’ve said it time and time again, the fear that one will not accept my flaws and weaknesses is inevitable.

All that I know is, I contradict the shit out of myself on the daily. My emotions pinball back and forth from balance to discontent. For now though, I’ll blame it on one person, and one person alone. Fuck you Aunt Flow!!!

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