And the journey continues…

23Oct12

As I find myself completely scatter-brained tonight and completely unable to focus on my school work, here I am, trying to get some of my thoughts in a blog so I can stop over-thinking and analyzing everything. Onward with writing and singing very loudly, and out of key simultaneously. 🙂

I have made the decision to move back home, and I could not be any happier. California is lovely- to visit. But living wise, it is not for me. The east coast is where I belong, and that shall remain so. I guess by moving, I have realized where I’m supposed to be. I’ve allowed myself to take a chance, a risk, something that I very rarely let happen; unfortunately it didn’t work out, but at least I can say I tried my best. I do not have any regrets whatsoever. This definitely was an experience, one I will take with me along my way throughout life. I will not be wondering “what if?” I feel like since I have left New York, I can truly say I feel myself finally growing up. What I mean is that, for the past 18 years, I have disassociated myself with my age in some ways. Some ways I feel like I’m in my mid-twenties, and others I feel like a child that was forced to fit into an 18 year old’s role in society. I guess in some ways I was, considering I was forced to give up a huge part of my innocence at a very young age. Anyway, the point is, I feel completely liberated. In a sense that I am extremely more independent than I was in the past. I’ve always had dependency issues; on my parents, on friends, on lovers during relationships. I’ve always been independent in the ways where I am capable of being alone and being happy, but dependency issues in the way of relying on people the way a child would. For comfort, for food, shelter, etc. (I’m sort of contradicting my statement, but I’m aware that I suck at explaining how I feel in elaborate terms. whomp_) Now that I am forced to get things done on my own, I feel excellent.

Up until recently I have been feeling extremely low about myself. I felt as if I were reverting back to my old self, being depressed, lonely, tired all of the time, lacking motivation to do anything. And then I spoke to a friend who just completely inspired me; it gave me a little smack in the face. I am in utter and complete control of my happiness, and I am not going to let myself fall back to “who” I was in the past. It’s all about mind over matter. Being aware and conscious of my feelings, and evaluating that most of them are unnecessary. Self-awareness is and was a huge part of my mental recovery. If I keep positive energies and thoughts flowing, I will feel, and thus project positivity. If I dwell in the negative, mopey, miserable old subconscious thinking, she’ll come back- the Liz I’ve battled with for years. I don’t like her, I do not welcome her, therefore, she no longer exists. I am re-claiming my sanity and it is fucking fabulous.

As for general lame things going on in my life, I have incredible marks in my classes. In this department, I can pat myself on my back and not be ashamed that I was blessed with a functioning mind in the academic departments. I’ve only proven to myself that I was, and have been, capable of accomplishing anything I set my mind to, all along. Anyone who ever doubted me, or even when I have doubted myself, I’ve only shown that I can do this….I can “do” life. (That sounds slightly inappropriate_).

I have no friends here, other than three some-what acquaintances in two of my classes, but that’s alright. I now know who my true friends are; they have stuck beside me through almost everything. I have all of the friends I need back home, and I cannot wait to be re-joined with them all. You really don’t understand how much appreciation you have for someone, or some people, until you don’t have them alongside you everyday. And I am so overly grateful for all of my little munchkins in my life, they truly make me happy. My adopted family.

The romance department……we’ll I might just keep this one hush, hush… for a certain someone has access to my blog (if they still keep up with it_). But, if you are reading this, (you should be aware of who you are_) this is a somewhat subtle message, rather an extremely vague one.. That is all. 🙂

Well.. Life just keeps throwing me curveballs. I am forever changing, as I always say. I keep learning new things, keep experiencing things, and I am over joyed with the fact that regardless of where I have been, I know I’ll end up somewhere great. And so it always, always, always goes up from here.

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