The constant desire to fill this void in my heart. Loneliness seems to linger, peeking from all corners of my soul. But the fear overbears the want, the need to start again. More than a year of picking up the pieces; the pieces of wholesomeness you stole without any form of remorse. My hands have bled long enough. You don’t deserve the satisfaction of knowing the amount of love I had for you, while sitting back with your legs up as you watched; as you listened to my cries, my pleads for some sort of emotional relief. The unrelenting fear that no one will compare. That no one will touch, kiss, think, feel, love; no one will love the way you loved me, or the way I loved you back. The fear that I will one day, someday, again become too dependent on another. And when that person decides to leave me, I will be shattered, and left with emptiness. I no longer cry. I don’t hurt. I don’t long for you to be in my life. You are barely a mere memory, slowly fading into the abyss of my subconscious mind. I no longer value you, nor hold you up on the pedestal you’ve attempted to claim, believing your everlasting presence will prevail. You won’t dominate my thoughts, you won’t penetrate my dreams. I’ve finally let you go off into the world, stomping around so boisterously into the hearts of others you shall claim.

A new leaf has turned its brightest red, as I am deeply filled with love and passion that is dying to emerge. The readiness of my heart to open itself up to another is unbelievable. The inevitable yearn to pick at another’s brain; to submerge myself into their thoughts, their hopes and dreams, their values and personal goals and beliefs. It’s almost a euphoric feeling, like learning how to play your favorite song on the guitar, or exploring a new city. Discovering someones mind is such an invigorating experience, one that I am more than ready to do once again. The human mind; it’s such a beautiful and fascinating organ, able to comprehend information, store it, think freely and constructively, allowing oneself to feel; to sympathize and empathize, to express emotion, and frustration, all in one sitting. The capability of feeling love, and loving someone in return; it is truly an amazing concept. I’ve become so incredibly balanced in life, for the most part. Everyone has their ups and downs. But the fact that I can truly say, and believe, that I feel I have grown so much in the past two years makes me feel…alive. I don’t feel cocky saying that I am a beautiful person; I feel confident. The fact that I can say I am living, not just simply existing; it’s pure bliss. And on I go with my wonderful journey through life. Striving to overcome and obstacle I may face today, or in the future days, months, or years to come, because I know they will. I have climbed over a many of mountains in my past 18, almost 19 years of life. And although I have faced numerous hardships, periods of depression and feelings of worthlessness ; feelings of anger, despair, guilt, unbelievable loss and sadness. I can now say I am happy to be a part of this world. Although I’ve experienced some very dark things, and have almost drowned in very dark places in my life, I can acclaim that all of these experiences have truly shaped me into the person I am today. Without any of the lessons I have learned, I would not nearly be as strong, as loving and accepting, and open-minded. Nor as content as I am now in my life. This transition from New York to California may not be what I had planned, or what I want to remain permanent. But, I’ll take the experience for what it is, learn from it, grow, and see where it takes me along my way. Whatever happens in the end, I know I can say that I tried it, and did my absolute best to make the most of the situation. And for that, I can not regret anything.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

 


Update!

27Jul12

I honestly do not even know where to begin. I’ve tried to keep up with my blog, but have just been so unbelievably busy with getting ready to leave, seeing friends, and simply being lazy.

Last I posted, other than my two somewhat depressing attempts to write poems, was June. I wrote about how I was going up to Maine to say goodbye to my friends and my ex-boyfriend.. But I’ll start a bit before that, to when I finished school.

Graduated on June 23, and it didn’t really phase me. My ceremony was kind of shit. It was extremely hot outside, and I had to sit in my cap and gown for over two hours. Was all the way in the back, sitting in a class of over 600 students, and my last name starting with the letter “P” didn’t help. I couldn’t hear many of the speakers, they spoke to the audience rather than the graduating class (?) I have no idea why. And honestly, have never heard of, or even knew my valedictorian even existed.. Ha! But I was glad to be done. I had struggled my four years of high school, and to be able to say I made it through, and didn’t do too shabby, was nice.

Left the Monday after graduating for Maine. For the most part, I had a lovely time. With the minor arguments with my friend Courtney, whom has changed a whole lot, and then some. But it was a good experience I guess you can call it. I thought I was going to be overly emotional when seeing J, but it went very well. I wound up spending most of the week with him, because of uncomfortable differences between me and Courtney. Had honestly not even intended that to happen. But, I’d spend the days with her, while J went to work, and the nights with him. I got to meet his sister finally, she lives in Hawaii but was back for the month to visit, and she was honestly just the loveliest woman. We got along very well. J took me to see some mutual friends, and we had a nice time. The first evening we went out, we went to Rich’s house. I’ve changed so much in the last year and a half, as J has too. We sort of didn’t know how to take everything in I guess you can say. I’m just social now, as to when we were dating, I had severe anxiety and couldn’t handle social situations whatsoever. When we left, he kind of just stared at me in the car. And I had asked him what was up? And asked him if he wasn’t used to me being social and friendly, haha. He said no, he wasn’t, but thought it was really fucking awesome. Which made me happy in a sense, to think how far I have come. Went to visit Mallory in Mass, which was very nice of him to bring me all the way there. And over-all just had a fun time together. Reminisced on a few memories, had a bunch of laughs, and really, really good sex, hahaha. I was worried at one point, because he was unintentionally messing with my emotions a bit. But realized I was over-thinking the whole situation, and brushed it off. And honestly, J has changed so much, and it made me realize that I really don’t know him well anymore. At all. But, it helped me. I can say, I finally am, 100% over my ex. And this just helped me close that chapter of my life, and helped me move on. Yes, I will forever find him attractive, physically. But his personality now, is nothing like the J I fell in love with just two years ago. Scary to think, how much time that is, but how little it is in the same breath. I’ve personally grown so much, and just know that I wouldn’t ever go back to him now. I got home, and took a breath when I finally got that statement out in the open. “I’m over him.” It was like I had just climbed over Mt. Everest. Because I had been struggling for over a year, wondering “what if…?” Wondering if we would ever work things out. Hoping, dreaming, wishing, that we would get back together. And when I got home, just….nothing. Nothing was there anymore. Even when we were intimate, I shouldn’t even use that word, but when we had sex, no emotions were invested at all. We didn’t act like a couple after the fact. No kissing, hand holding, nothing. Which helped a whole lot more. I’m just so ready, to move on with my life. To meet new people, and just, live.

Now, it’s July. I have three days left in New York. And honestly, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t excited. I have been spending most of my time with my close friends, and family. I’ve learned to appreciate the true friends I have, and know that they will stick around. Have also met a few new faces, who have impacted me in small, but good ways. What it all comes down to is, I know I am making the right decision to leave. I’m just so very ready. Ready to embrace a big change in my surroundings, and go forward, and keep moving forward. I have narrowed down what I want to pursue as a career, and I am so overly excited for what the future has in store for me. All I am surrounded by is positivity, and good energy, and I’m going to take that and run with it. Sure, I will dearly miss my family. I will hate leaving my friends, but. I am in such a good place in my life, where I know I am strong enough to do this, and do it for me. All of my life, I have been making decisions based on other people. I wrapped my life around someone for over a year, making plans around that person. And now, it just feels liberating to finally be doing this for myself. I thought to myself today…”What would my life be like if I stayed.?” The answer: the same as it is now. Not that my life is bad now, at all. But it would just remain…constant. Do I settle? Do I fear change, and stay in my comfort zone? Or do I take a risk and try something new? I know the answer to that too: try. Change. Live. It would be very easy to stay home, go to school here, and keep the friends I already have, and have had for years. To be taken care of by my mother. To have everything handed to me. But, I don’t want that. I want to mature more. To learn what it’s like to do things on my own for once. To enable myself to learn, that I have choices in life, and I’ll have to make them all on my own someday. And that time is now. Time to grow up, and fly from the nest. Because taking the easy way out of life, and not taking risks, is what I have always known. I’ve always feared changing. Now I’m ready, to face the world head on. And to do so with a big smile on my face. I have such high hopes for these next few years, and I’m totally digging the shit out of it.

I’ll end off on this note. I will try to post more often after I arrive to destination beautiful: Sunny California. Life is so good. Such a simply beautiful thing.


2.

20Jul12

Silence.

Sometimes said to be the loudest choice of words.

Air thickening beneath your lungs, a lifted hand begins to crumble into ash.

Mountain after mountain, why are we still climbing after all of this time?

Stop,

My brain. Misconstruing every word spoken from the mouth of the devil, God.

Reason, a lie. Meaning, a lie. Happiness…. a lie?

Waves crashing along the shore,

your fragile hand is up, but he isn’t there to pull you out of the heart of struggle.

The calm. Blue skies, sunshine. Back to reality.

Or is this a dream? A nightmare one lost soul cannot seem to be woken out of.

The simple things.

A smile,

A hug,

Laughter.

Paradox. You are a walking contradiction, but the mind feeds off of what the heart yearns.

In this life, it’s take, take, take. Not once, give.

Destination: beautiful  miserable. 

Time.

Change shall come, it flows as quickly as the wind.

One minute, perfection. The next….

Bullshit.


1.

19Jul12

Water fills the lungs, a ringing in your ears

this nonstop heartache, the lack of understanding;

everything you think you believe in, begins to crumble right in front of your eyes.

Why,

Why,

Why?

Inconsistent words spoken from the Holy book of lies,

regret, anger, despair, sadness,…nothing.

No pain, no feelings, just emptiness,

a cold, cold heart swells, lost, wandering around to feel something again.

Where do we go from here?

Close your eyes, go back to the light, the place where happiness lives,

deep, deep inside the subconscious mind where the secrets lie.

Back to innocence, where nothing mattered, the time where everyone was at peace and everything was in place.

Where do we go from here?

Heaven sent, you disguised yourself as human, an angel form above,

true beauty lies within you, but you lack to see, the devil is following your shadow,

hide, run, lock yourself in my heart, and stay.

Stay forever.


Summertime

20Jun12

I haven’t been on here in quite some time. Crap. So much has been going on in the past two months, and I can’t remember where I even left off. But, I’m shipping off in a little over five weeks. Still am having extremely mixed emotions about all of this. But I think everything will be okay in the end. I’ve been done with school for about a month now, and my graduation ceremony is this Saturday. And let me tell you, I’m more than stoked about being done with high school. It was a good experience, but I’m totally over it all, haha. Senator Schumer is going to be at the ceremony, apparently he makes a trip out to the Island and attends every graduation, so that’s pretty cool. It’s also going to be over 85 degrees out that day, so I’m not too fond of having to sit in that heat for three hours….yikes.

Anyway…….

I’m disappearing for a week on Monday. Heading up to Maine to see a few good people before I leave for school. And one of those many will be my ex.  I’m a little nervous. But I’m more excited than anything. I do know I will be pretty emotional though. I’m going to be staying with my friend Courtney whom I met through my ex. And I’m probably going to bawl my eyes out when I see her, and her now 1-year-old baby girl. I haven’t seen her since last year, and happened to leave the day she gave birth, so I’m crazy excited to finally get to meet that little peanut. As for my ex, I’ll most likely cry too. Mainly because I thought I was never going to see him or his family again, and regardless of everything we’ve been through, I have a soft spot for him and his family. We’re on very friendly terms, and I’m strictly keeping things that way because I don’t need any reason to change my mind about leaving for California. I know we are going to sleep with each other… But he brought that up, not me. So long as he doesn’t screw with my head, which I know he more than likely will not, everything will be just peachy.

With that being said, I don’t have too, too much going on. Just keeping busy, spending lots of time with friends and family as much as I can. It’s sort of strange being more social than I ever have these past four years. Bittersweet I guess. I cannot wait to see what these next two years will bring to my life. And I’m ecstatic for what the future holds. This summer is going to be emotional, but reassuring that all of the people I’ve kept close with, have stuck around for good reasons.

🙂


I often ask myself the question “why do I repeal straight men?” And then often laugh, and ask myself “why do I attempt to have relationships with straight men?” The answer is always the same. I’m too fucking queer for this.

I was seeing, well, no. I was associating with a male (biological, straight, you know) and well, that ended as quickly as it started. I sit here and pause, trying to process all of the information my brains wants to put into this blog. Sometimes it’s too much to even put into logical wording. Hmm…

So anyway, when I met this fellow, I kept my identity and sexuality on the down-low. I wasn’t about the whole, “Hi, I’m Liz, I’m pansexual, and probably genderqueer etc.” spiel. That’s a red flag to many straight men as it is. So when it got time to me being somewhat uncomfortable about hiding who I was, I dropped half of the bomb. He seemed cool and collected, while trying to process and understand at the same time. I’m pretty sure he didn’t get it, like, at all. Trying to explain queer-ness to non-queer folk is quite difficult.

“So uh….what’s pansexual?” “I’ve never heard of that before.”

“Basically I date whomever I please. Gender blind. I am interested in people, for people. Not what’s between their legs, or ears.”

“……..uhh what??”

“I like people. Bisexual is a very limiting term, as it’s making the distinction that there are only two sexes. This is not true. Gender is a very fluid thing. So, I like boys, girls, trans* people, and everyone in between, or out of the box.”

Kind of hard to grasp when you’ve probably never heard half of the definitions I was using. I didn’t even get to my gender identity with this guy. Whenever I was with him, he was constantly joking with me, saying I was a lesbian. He’d poke, and prod, asking why I was with him, or interested in him. He’d go on and on about how I like girls better, when in actuality didn’t even really try to understand the concept of pansexuality. So, in the midst of “joking” about me being gay, I realized something. This is why I don’t date straight men. Okay, that sounds completely biased. But I cannot help it. My personal experience with straight guy hasn’t been the most pleasant. Maybe because they’re jerks. Or maybe because they’re simply uneducated and ignorant to the LGBTQ community. And that is not their fault whatsoever. So I cannot hold that against them. But what I realized is, I’m just more comfortable with queer people, because they just, get it. I don’t have to explain to them what it means to be gender fluid. I don’t have to explain why I enjoy having hairy legs for a few months at a time. There’s also the factor that I can’t confide in them, when I’m having identity issues. Tonight, I tried binding for the first time. I’ve pushed my breasts away from the center of my chest, to try and see what it would look like if I had a more masculine contour, and guess what. I liked it. But I also love my breasts. I cannot confide in a straight man, about possibly wanting to try binding outside of my house.

Another thing I realized: When I move to California, it’s a fresh start. Not one single person, other than my family there, who happen to be queer as fuck, will know me. I can be whomever I please, without explanation as to why I’m doing such and such. Or confusion. People already think they know me here. But I’ve come to terms with my sexuality, and it’s staying that way. Back to my point, I’m so interested in fucking with gender it’s unbelievable.  I’m possibly thinking about using gender neutral pronouns when I leave. I don’t know much about them, but I know there’s so many, and I have time to do research if I want to go that far into this. I know I won’t have to worry, about someone questioning why, if I want to, dress more masculine on days than others. The possibilities feel endless. 🙂

Back to the straight men, dating scenario. It’s a tad irritating. I’m interested in pursuing a relationship with anyone, if and when the time is right. And I’d hate, for another situation to come up like this past one. The guy I was hanging out with had potential. But he pushed me away with the misunderstandings and foolish behavior. Meh. Also, it puts a stigma on myself, making it seem I refuse men, and then don’t live up to my personal standard of acceptance of all genders. It’s another reason why people don’t believe I’m into guys whatsoever. Very frustrating.

I am happy to say, that I now know I’m not trans*. I understand people hate labels, but sometimes, having a label makes it easier to understand your own brain. For a while I questioned my gender identity. And having the reassurance that other people like me exist, it’s just phenomenal.!

Okay. Time to vlog for my youtubers. Maybe I’ll have more thoughts on this at a later date.

Toodles!


Life

18Apr12

I’m home!

My trip went really well. I got back yesterday night. The flight home is always easier than going for some reason, I’m not sure why but it just seems shorter. Got all of my school stuff done. I’m just waiting to register for classes and I’ll be settled.

The thing is, I’m a little more worried about leaving now. It’s becoming more real, and this move is g0ing to be emotionally draining for me. I’m just trying to stay positive. My teacher was talking with me about how big of an opportunity this is for me, and I know and understand that. But change is always hard for me. I’m always wanting it, but when it comes down to the initial act of it, it terrifies me. Sigh. I think I’ll be okay though.

On a side note: I’ve been keeping my personal life on the down-low for a few weeks. I’m sort of seeing this guy. Sort of. Nothing serious, considering I’m leaving in just a few months. But it’s nice to have someone to occupy my time with. I have really under-estimated biological men. Or most of them. From the beginning I’ve been honest and open about my sexuality and gender identity. And he’s totally open about it. I’m not sure he fully understands, because he says he has never met someone like me. Also, I don’t think he’s had much interaction with the LGBT community whatsoever. But it’s refreshing that he wants to be educated, and isn’t judgmental. I enjoy being able to be myself, and not have to put this facade on. He’s an extremely cool person.

Back to California talk, once I got there, I felt like a normal human being again. I was going to bed by 12 am every night, as opposed to 6 am. And was waking up by 11 am. It was an excellent feeling. I know I won’t have a problem getting up in the morning for classes, thank god.

Alright, this is all so mixed and random. I’m tired. And will probably get to bed very early again tonight. Well, early for me. Goodnight!!!