Homoshit

03Feb13

I’ve been feeling very uneasy with myself lately. Very out of sorts, and out of sync with myself and my emotions. I’m not sure if I’m going through another transitional period in my life, but this is relating to my identity, gender identity that is. I’ve already established that I prefer not to box myself in when I’m looking for a prospective romantic partner (In other words I date who I date, cisgender or not..) But my gender identity has been somewhat sporadic throughout the past year or so. And fucking fuck, it’s confusing. My identity has become so incredibly fluid, and I do not have an issue with who I am as a person, at all, but I guess I just dislike feeling out of place. The only reason I attempt to “box” myself into an identity, or label, is so I can feel like I have some sort of understanding that I am not alone in this genderfucking bullshit. I guess gender fluid or queer does fit, considering I am always changing, on a day to say basis. I’ve recently realized that instead of it being a mix of “male” and “female,” it’s more of masculine and feminine energies I float between. I mean of course right? The whole “male” and “female” thing kind of defeats the purpose don’t you think? To me personally, that’s still establishing that there are still only two sexes, or identities, and that is obviously not the case. There has to be some point where there is a sort of graying area, a mix between all of the identities people have come to be over the past 50 years or so.

I’ve also been nervous lately… no maybe not nervous. Maybe scared of the fact that I am sort of experiencing gender dysphoria to an extent. Some days I enjoy my feminine chest. Other days I wish I were rid of them, so I am able to sport around topless (if it were the summertime, haha.) and have it be “socially acceptable,” but to also be able to feel a masculine, flatter chest. I just find myself becoming uncomfortable with my physical apparence at times. I do walk around my house, alone, shirtless at times and imagine it being so ^^^. I’ve contemplated purchasing a binder before, but now it’s becoming more and more of an appealing option. No no, not binding full-time, but when I feel it’s necessary, just as any other trans* identified person whom feels it is necessary to bind as well, would do. Did I mention I love the whole asterisk deal that’s being used? All inclusive. Equality. I adore it.

Anyway, When a job becomes available to me, I’m thinking I am going to buy a binder. I’ve also contemplated mixing my clothing choices up (not that I have the money to do so, but still) to fit my more versatile feeling self. I guess I’ve just been scared because “female,” is all I’ve ever known. I was socialized this way, but I never felt like I really was the ideal, role model type of “woman” everyone expected/expects me to be. And I am not one to live my life for others, no fucking way. I’ve just known something was always slightly different with myself. That of which I am a-okay with, completely. I wouldn’t change myself, not one bit. But, I would enjoy if this journey were a little easier done, than “said.” The other evening, I got into an argument with my father, about not acting like an appropriate “girl,” and well, I just burst out and screamed in his face that I in fact, “wasn’t a fucking girl.” He was confused but I didn’t pursue it further. I do not owe him an explanation. But again, another little epiphany had happened. I realized that it pissed me off, that he referred to me as female. It pisses me off a lot actually when people express to me, that when I choose not to shave my legs, “it is disgusting,” and “un-lady-like.” But on the other hand… I often get angered when people even use male identified slang, “yo man,” “yeah dude.” It’s like…. no. That’s not right, but the other option isn’t right either…. It’s all soo….confusing. Like my identity is just a colossal mixture of….nothing, but everything. I don’t know. Why do I have to identify as anything anyway, on a societal basis, totally disregarding my statement about trying to identify myself on a personal basis. Society has just constructed this false thing called “gender.” It’s such a stupid, silly concept. Arghhhh.

And then I see all of this, not trans* enough, not queer enough bullshit, everywhere. It’s like…no. Shut the fuck up. I don’t even care to know what people think about me. But when it comes to the fact where someone is going to accuse another of “not being enough” to fulfill their identity, it just really grinds my gears. Who are YOU to tell THAT person (or myself for that matter) HOW WE feel, think, and whatever else have you. I look like a chick. I feel like a queer, femme, dykey, trans* person who loves to FUCK anyone of any identity THEY feel THEY are. I imagine myself having a penis when I’m fantasizing about feminine bodied or identified persons. I get dominant with feminine identified persons, and submissive with masculine identified persons. But that’s not ALWAYS the case, because I am ALWAYS CHANGING. Sex roles do not even matter in my immediate argument right now.

I enjoy growing my body hair out. Long leg hair makes me happy. Long armpit hair makes me happy. But then there are days where I say, “eh, what the fuck I’m going to shave today.” I wear makeup, I love pretty clothes, I’ve given up wearing bras, I like wearing boxers,….. it could go on forever. I’m here, I’m queer, get over it.

End little rant. I’ll figure it out. Or maybe I won’t, at this point, I’m realizing I need to just go with the flow. No pun intended, haha. Alright, I think that’s about it.

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Tags: binder, fluidity, gender, gender fluid, gender fucking, gender identity, gender role, gender roles, genderfuck, glbt, glbtq, homo, identity, lgbt, lgbtq, queer, sex, sexual orientation, sexuality, shaving, trans*, transgender